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Happiness in Marriage

by Autumn Dickson

This week is all about The Family Proclamation. Here is the topic I want to cover.

Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.

I want to talk about happiness in marriage specifically, but the principles I speak about can be applied more broadly to any relationship you’re going to be a part of.

Marriages are falling apart in our day. Satan is coming after the family in a multi-pronged attack, but destroying marriages is just one part of how he chooses to do this. Social media loves showing off images of bright and shiny couples, individuals who seem so much happier alone, and advice about how your spouse should be acting towards you.

We’re taught that we deserve to be happy and if we’re not happy, we should leave. We’re taught that if a spouse can’t meet our needs, we can’t be happy. We’re taught that it’s better for the kids if we’re happy. And yet, despite all of this teaching, the world can’t seem to get it together and be happy.

Oh the irony.

I love my marriage. I’m so grateful to have Conner, and there are a lot of reasons for that. One of those reasons is not because Conner or I have been perfect. It’s not because we agree on everything, or even agree on everything that’s really important. It’s not because we’ve never been mean to each other or because we’ve never had to navigate days at a time where we can’t really figure out how to get past something. It’s not because Conner is so intuitive at reading me or because I never complain.

We are two different people with different baggage, different perspectives, different personalities, different ways of handling things. We are two people who experience times of drowning stress, resentment, uncertainty, and traumas.

It can be easy to look at happy couples and assume that they have it easy, but that’s not true. It’s not true for anyone. There are relationships that hold more difficulty than others which is why I encourage everyone to seek the help of the Lord in knowing what to do. However, if you’ve married a generally decent person who doesn’t scream at you, belittle you, act violently towards you, financially abuse you, then there is hope for happiness.

And your best chance for happiness lies in following the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Christ didn’t focus on communication styles or on making sure you have everything in common ahead of entering a relationship. He didn’t focus on love languages or living together ahead of time to see if you’re compatible or any of the other stuff that the world tries pushing so hard. He doesn’t even focus on making sure the other person knows how to take care of you in a relationship. He didn’t focus on changing the other person so that you could be happy.

The foremost characteristic of Christ’s life was love, love for God and then love for others. Everything He did, the miracles and leading and teaching and forgiving and gratitude and serving all boiled down to that great love. If we want to be happy, we have to love the other person more fully.

In order to find this happiness, you have to have a correct understanding of what that love looks like. Otherwise, you run the risk of building up more resentment rather than finding happiness. Love does not mean you’re a doormat. It doesn’t mean you never say anything or complain. It doesn’t mean that you smile and stay silent when you’re hurting.

Love is not an outward action. It is an inward feeling that inspires different kinds of outward actions.

Sometimes love does mean looking at the back of a person and choosing to smile even when they’re doing something annoying again. Sometimes it does mean mercy and forgiveness and letting go when none of it was your fault. Sometimes it means accepting them exactly as they are and finding it within yourself to feel affectionate anyway.

Other times, the most loving thing you can do is speak up. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell someone they’re wrong. The beautiful thing about it coming from a place of love is that the Spirit can help you know how to handle the situation in the best way available. Chastisement also hits differently when you can feel that the other person is actually more worried about you rather than worried about how you’re making their life harder.

Think of it in this way. When Conner comes to correct me sometimes (which we do often enough for each other), I get up in arms sometimes. My gut reaction is to insist that he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, and criticism isn’t helpful. Luckily, I have a husband who gets this, and he often continues the conversation calmly. He also dives in and tells how it would be better for me if I chose to make different decisions. It’s extremely effective.

He once told me that I needed to be more consistent in my discipline with one of our kids. I was so mad. It is so difficult to keep up sometimes, and it’s hard to figure out the balance between disciplining your kids and letting it go because you’re desperate or because you don’t want them to feel like terrible kids. But he continued on calmly. He told me that I was actually making my own life harder by letting things go, that it would only take a couple of days of consistency and my kids would know I was serious. He was totally right but beyond that, he also did it with sincere love for me, and that made all the difference.

Correcting me was a form of love; it was Christlike. Not to mention, it landed differently because it was about love for me. He wasn’t correcting me because I was making his life more difficult. He was correcting me because he really wanted me to live better.

I’m not going to pretend this isn’t a hard point to reach. It is hard to love someone when you don’t feel loved. It’s hard to love someone when you feel like you’re the only one who has been stepping up. It’s hard to love someone when you’re drowning in your own stress. It calls upon some of your deepest willpower and self-observation.

I’m not talking about reaching down and hollowing yourself out and giving the last pieces of yourself. I’m not talking about resigning yourself to misery because you have to love them rather than begging them to change. I’m talking about letting go of your need to change them in order for you to find happiness. I’m talking about actively working on yourself, not to stop complaining or to stop nitpicking, but to actively and consciously choose to love them in the hardest moments.

If you want to be happy in family life, you have to follow the teachings of Christ. One of the foremost characteristics of Christ, the characteristic that motivated everything else, was a sincere and deep love of everyone. Including those who wouldn’t change or didn’t deserve it.

If you want to be happy, love freely. Happiness doesn’t come from being loved perfectly; it comes from loving more perfectly. That is the truth. You have to change yourself to love the other person more freely.

This goes for any kind of relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to stay in every relationship, but loving the other person will help you heal faster even if that person was awful. It’s counterintuitive but true. Truly loving someone frees you and heals you and brings happiness.

Perhaps it seems too simple for your problem. Maybe you’re insisting that I don’t know your spouse and how hard it is.

You’re right. I don’t. But I do know the power of changing to be like Christ. I do know that He was the most brilliant Man to ever walk the earth. I know that He knows what He was talking about. In any situation in your marriage (or any other relationship), trying to adopt love into your heart in the way that Christ loved will make the difference.

I testify that happiness in any kind of relationship comes when we act like Christ. We find happiness. I testify that even if you can’t find happiness directly in your relationship, there is a powerful happiness available in drawing closer to Christ. There is a powerful happiness that comes when you find it within yourself to love the other person and lean on Christ and His deep love when you need it.

 

Autumn Dickson was born and raised in a small town in Texas. She served a mission in the Indianapolis Indiana mission. She studied elementary education but has found a particular passion in teaching the gospel. Her desire for her content is to inspire people to feel confident, peaceful, and joyful about their relationship with Jesus Christ and to allow that relationship to touch every aspect of their lives. Autumn was the recipient of FAIR’s 2024 John Taylor Defender of the Faith Award.